i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
