She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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