I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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