i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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