in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
