i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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