dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Vodka?
Forever.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
