seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
