Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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