this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
