Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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