New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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