nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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