Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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