p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
