so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
This house was built for laser tag.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
