i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
