A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
