I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You made me cry and you don't even care
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
