i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
