i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
