i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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