It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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