the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize