she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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