Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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