If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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