I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think people are normalizing furries
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
