Pappa wants mamma naked
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
