Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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