He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize