So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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