just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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