i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Your face is a jimmy john
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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