Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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