I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
