I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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