Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
