WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize