You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
