I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
