I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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