I wanna bring you to show and tell
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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