Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
