Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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