I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Come on in and take your pants off
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