A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
