Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I would fuck him just for his dog
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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