The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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