The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
