If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
