My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
