Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
