She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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