cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
