I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
