My first STD was from a foam party
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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