shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
