I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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