my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
