Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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